A Little Bit of History

Wondering how someone could love having schizophrenia? Well, maybe I'll tell you... eventually. Maybe I'll explain some of my experiences as a mentally ill Mormon in a very confused state of religious and spiritual turmoil. But will this be interesting? I hope so. And I also hope that this will reach someone out there; anyone who has a mental illness. That it will help that person to realize that you can enjoy it. That our illnesses don't have to just be about depression and suicidal tendencies. So anything that might depress you in what I have to say ultimately led to my happiness and I hope it may lead to yours.

Some of my earliest memories are fond ones; of going to church on Sundays, playing in our backyard; of playing in a small stand of stagnant water not far from our home.

I am the fourth and final child of a pair of converted Mormons. By converted I mean they were not born into the religion, but were baptized while in their teenage years. I have three older sisters, which means I've had my fair share of cold showers. Fortunately they were kind enough not to give any wedgies, but I did get tickled a lot.

I spent the first six years of my life in a little town called Millet, about an hours south of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I still have fond, if a bit hazy, memories of Millet. Friendships were formed, but not allowed to blossom, as we pulled up roots and moved to Camrose. New friendships were sure to be formed, but again we moved. Friends were once again left behind as we moved to Winnipeg, Manitoba, where at the age of eight my faith began to falter. I was not sure if I wanted to be baptized (Mormon children are encouraged to be baptized at the age of eight). But I wanted to please my parents, so I went through with it. The decision still haunts me, but not as much as the indecision I felt later.

Now faith is a very funny thing. You either have it or you don't, but occasionally an experience comes along to completely shatter your belief system. It's like an ice cube being placed into a luke warm liquid. It cracks. But it has to crack in order to reach the desired temperature; a temperature pleasing to the senses.

As the years went by and friends came and went, I became stranged and depressed, but not yet suicidal. High school was a blur of being mistreated by arrogant losers. I wish I could have seen past these people and focused more on the people that were kind to me, but, at the time, anger was the emotion that my illness would allow. Though the anger built, I was still in enough control that I never blew anyone's head off.

My faith was faltering even more. Graduation came and went, uneventfully, as I was not popular, and the schizophrenia was chugging along. I was hearing voices. I was depressed and physically exhausted.

Now, I was a complete moron when it came to the ladies. My faith faltered even more when I realized that most of the Mormon girls wanted nothing to do with me, but the non-LDS girls did. Imagine that, I thought, my own faith rejects me. Now remember, I am going somewhere with this.

I had a religious studies teacher this same year, who I respected at the time, but no longer holds any respect from me. Somewhere along the way I had developed a personal problem and I respected him enough to confide in him and ask for help. I expected a reply from him within days, but it was several years later when I finally received his reply. The ice cube was getting dangerously close to that drink.

Go forward about a year. My girl-friend just dumped me and I had moved into an apartment with one of my sisters. We attended church together most Sundays and were there that fateful day.

As we sat there in the chapel and listened to the lesson, I had the sudden urge to leave. I ignored it. We were just about done anyway. "Leave!" I heard a voice say. And, with tears in my eyes, the ice cube cracked and I had my sister and her friends take me home. My favorite hymn played on the radio and I wept tears for my loss.

I had to experience life before I could judge what was wrong and what was right.